Bitter

I loved you….I love you….I will love you
In any of those moments, you become what I write about. And hate is such a bitter word, but when you’re in the moment full of past tense love, bitter is all you feel
And cold is all you see
You start to crave the warmth of present tense love, so you fall into a naive sense of security.
Diving two years deep into emotion.
Burying the bitter, cold hate with future tense love.
Playing a game of Ethos Logos Pathos with yourself.
False credibility
Lost logic
And manipulative emotion
Three appeals, one ending :
Heartbreak.

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No Love

And if love exists anymore, I don’t think it wants me.
More so, I don’t think it ever did.
And I should have known that day
In the closet
Miles away from my home and father
When I sat alone and no one heard me crying and shaking
And again when I turned 11 and I couldn’t feel my lungs anymore
From screaming silently into my pillow everyday for hours
And again at 16 when I realized my life was already in pieces before I had a chance to ruin it myself
And again at 18, when my heart broke over a guy for the first time.
And right now. At 1:26 AM
When I realize all over again that love doesn’t want me
That he doesn’t
Not really
And he never will
And I’ll be foolish to ever believe otherwise

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You.

And you can say all the words you want in those moments.

“I never want to see you again”

“I hate you”

“Don’t talk to me”

But those words mean nothing. Because when it’s 2:17 am, you’ll still want them.

That person.

The one who makes you feel like everything will be alright, even when they’re the reason it all went wrong.

Sometimes those words don’t trump all the love you still feel.

And you just want to hear their voice. Feel their touch. The warmth their words bring to your soul.

Sometimes, all the bad in that person will never outweigh the good they make you feel from the bedtime phone conversation

Even if they stop calling every night, you’ll still crave it.

You’ll crave them

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When He Falls For Me

Loving her shouldn’t feel like a chore. Loving her should be everything you never wanted
Loving her is holding her hand over the little things
Lover her is accepting her flaws and loving her through them
Even when they might hurt you
Loving her is calling her beautiful at a red light and then touching her face to reassure her that you see her. And that you love her for it
Loving her
It’s the storm. The one in her eyes at 3 am because something in her mind went wrong
Its the middle. Beginning. And end of everything she knows and feels about herself
Loving her is loving the moments when she hates you for no reason. And you show up anyways
Loving her is making her worth it. Every last ounce of energy. Every last word. And every last breath.
And loving her is making sure she knows all this
Because you taught her
And she feels it
And it’s the reason for the smile on her face when she wakes up every morning.

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“Running Away” From my Problems

The Track <3
The Track ❤

It may not seem all too important to most people, but this track is where I always go to almost literally “run away from my problems”. Or some might say, but I would like to say its called running through my problems. It’s never like people think, where I just run for the fun of it all. While running and staying fit is very important to me, it’s also my self therapy more than anything. Some might eat their feelings away, or spend hours on the phone talking to their best friend or even find other ways out of their situations and/or pain, but I take life one lap at a time.

Thinking of ways to improve my situation or taking time to clear my head, I start to realize that the track is so much more than black tar beneath my feet. It’s the fields sprinkling system that seems to stretch all the way over to my shoes when I run by. It’s the rusty old fence that lies beyond the bleachers, and even further behind that, the baseball field I use to play on when I was little. It’s the sun going down and the cool breeze that sweeps across my back. I can’t count the number of times on Sunday nights when I show up to find a small soccer game being played in the field!

The one thing I will never forget though is how many times I have achieved things I never thought possible here. Pushing my limits and becoming a better person. My point here is, I don’t know if it’s ONLY the running that makes this place so special to me, but instead, the place that makes the running so special. I can run anywhere I want to, but this place seems to be more of my drug for my life problems than anything else. It’s my place.

Gabrielle Longshore ❤

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Dont be a Copy-Paste

Everyone has their own stories, but sometimes you meet those people who tattoo copy-paste versions of themselves into the soul of your life. They create memories that until long after they leave and move onto the next person, you believe them to be significant and personal to you and your story. Don’t let them ruin the happiness of every experience though. Its your story at the end of the day. Not theirs. Own It. Own the shit out of your life!

At the end of the day, these people who hurt you so bad only do the things they do because that’s all they have to them. They only have a small amount of respectable traits to share with the people they “care most” about. You are more than that though. Own your memories and what you make out of it. Not what they make out of it. All at the same time though, hold yourself to a higher standard than that, because you’re so much more than just a copy-paste. They are so much more too, and sometimes, life just throws them into a crowd of constant poor judgement. At the end of the day though, a person can only do so much before it starts negatively affecting you and your life when it shouldn’t be.

So find your little piece of happiness in everything and make sure it’s not a stagnant happy place, because life is constantly changing, and if you can leave your happy place behind, you might just forget the entire reason you found it to begin with. It shouldn’t be a place, it should be part of you. It should be the reason you wake up in the morning and the reason you work hard all day to become a better you than you were the day before. Never make it something someone else can take away. Your happy place, is 100% for you. Lets keep it that way 🙂

Gabrielle ❤

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A Rock

Maybe love was never actually a positive term

Maybe more of an idea

Maybe love is the term people used at one time to explain the unexplainable

The things we did or saw regardless of other things around us

Maybe one day a long time ago, someone found a rock for the first time and called that love as well

And then one day someone got their heart broken

And still kept those feelings for the person

It was unexplainable. It had no limits

And they called it love

And it’s a forever consuming idea that that’s what love is. Because we found names for every other unexplainable word

Except for this thing called love

Live.

And it’s true

You’re the one who destroyed me

Sure you put me back together too

Sure you love me

But I’m the rose you decided to pick

And you put me under artificial sunlight

And hid other flowers in the other rooms

Because I wasn’t enough.

And I have to know I’m enough. I have to remember what that’s like

And you can’t have me when it’s all finished either

Because I’ll have to kill that side of me

The corner of myself where you lived. Intertwined into who I am

I have to kill it

You have to be gone.

So that I can live.

Skyline

And if I was a highway skyline at sunset

You’d be the wall of clouds.

The one falling in on the light.

Carrying away the bright colors and bringing in the shades of grey

Settling into my hope for the sunrise to come in the morning.

Destroying the optimism.

And ripping apart the view.

What do I Believe In?

What do I believe in ?

I believe in that first sip of coffee

The one that motivates me to drag my ass out of bed on Monday mornings.

I believe in the flip side of the pillow

I believe in fresh,cold sheets at 2 am when you’re crawling into bed. And you can’t handle another minute of the day.

I believe in the reliable truth of that ONE song that never gets old.

I believe in the spiritual. I believe in the heavens and that there’s a God above. Only One.

I believe in choices.

I believe in making wishes at 11:11.

I Believe in faith. In faith that despite who we are, we have all ability to become who we want to be. Because really life has never been about one moment. But instead about a million moments made by everything you wish to be.

I believe in messy feelings. Because when you look back on your life, it’s never the good times you truly feel the most. But the moments when you realize you’ve hit rock bottom. And the ones where you’re overwhelmed with the truth that if you absolutely must leave that moment, you’ll never be the same.

I believe that if there’s anything to believe in, it has to be unique. And if it’s not, then you believe in nothing at all. And if that’s who you are, you may just be lost forever.

You Won’t Know Until I’m Gone

I am not her

I don’t yell and scream when I’m mad or hurt.

I’m quiet

I let you do all the talking. As I slowly back away

And you don’t believe me at first. I’m so quiet it’s almost hard to believe that there’s something there….walking away from you.

But you won’t know it. Until you try and sleep at night. And it’s weeks or hours down the road.

And I’m gone.

And you’ll always be trying to find me. And get me back.

But this wasn’t my first time leaving in silence

I just hope it’s my last.

-heart broken in silence.

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